Sharing Responsibility through IVF, Pregnancy, and Postpartum

I recognize that families and reproductive journeys are diverse and not limited to heterosexual partnerships. This post uses male and female language to describe biological roles in fertility, pregnancy, and postpartum for clarity and simplicity. The broader themes of responsibility, support, and shared mental load apply across many family structures.

In fertility treatment, pregnancy, and postpartum, we often talk about “shared responsibility.” What’s discussed far less is choice - specifically, how much choice and responsibility each partner actually has along the way.

This isn’t about blame. It’s about clarity.

Because when responsibilities are misunderstood, one partner often carries far more than they should, while the other may not realize how much opportunity they have to help.

As an at a glance overview of what this journey CAN look like for both:

Female Responsibilities (very invasive)	Male Responsibilities (minimally invasive and lack of choice ends early)
Multiple rounds of bloodwork to monitor hormones throughout the cycle	Minimal rounds of bloodwork to assess hormone and metabolic health
Transvaginal ultrasound - Large ultrasound wand inserted vaginally	Semen analysis (nutrition, meds/supplements to improve parameters if needed)
Hysterosalpingogram - A contrast dye is injected into the uterus, and its path through the tubes is monitored to see if the tubes are open	Sometimes antibiotics if infection is found
Endometrial biopsy - Often painful. A portion of the uterine lining is taken and tested (think of passing a tube up through the penis, into an internal organ, and taking a tissue sample — while awake and without numbing. It’s brief, but the discomfort and cramping can be intense.)
Months of hormones, medications, injections (and side effects!)
Working on egg quality - nutrition, meds/supplements, acupuncture
Egg retrieval - Egg retrieval would be roughly like having a needle passed repeatedly through the scrotum into each testicle to remove tissue, guided by ultrasound, under sedation (sometimes). Even with medication, it’s invasive, can be painful afterward, and requires real recovery. Some struggle with Ovarian Hyperstimulation Syndrome
Cycle prep - nutrition, meds/supplements, acupuncture
Embryo transfer - An embryo transfer would be similar to threading a catheter through the penis, past the prostate, and into the most sensitive part of the reproductive tract to place something precisely in position — while your legs are restrained and imaging is used to guide placement.
Pregnancy - more bloodwork, nutrition, supplements, nausea, constipation, hemorrhoids, pelvic girdle pain, sciatica, low iron, diabetes?, hypertension?, thyroid issues?, pre-eclampsia?, hyperemesis?
Labor/Birth - early labor for days, contractions, pushing out a whole human, IV antibiotics? tearing? episiotomy? C-section?
Postpartum - massive hormonal drop, breastfeeding, healing from birth (internally/externally), postpartum anxiety/depression/rage?, waking for feeds

IVF and Fertility Treatment: When Choice Is Limited

The Female Experience

Once IVF begins, the female partner has very little choice about participation. If the goal is pregnancy, her body becomes the treatment site.

This includes:

• Hormone injections

• Frequent bloodwork and ultrasounds

• Medication side effects

• Egg retrieval and recovery

• Adjusting work, schedules, and daily life around the cycle

Much of this is not optional. These steps are required to move forward. And much of this needs to be done in addition to balancing work (and sometimes parenting).

In addition to the physical demands, many women also take on the mental load of IVF:

• tracking medications

• managing appointments

• remembering timelines

• researching protocols

• emotionally holding both hope and disappointment.

Not because they want to - but because someone has to.

Where Male Partners Have More Choice - and More Opportunity

Male partners often have more flexibility in how and when they engage with fertility treatment. That flexibility can unintentionally turn into distance, even when intentions are good.

This is where stepping up matters most.

Doing a semen analysis (which is largely non-invasive), following through on recommended lifestyle changes, and taking sperm health seriously are not “extras” — they are meaningful contributions that can directly impact outcomes.

Male factor fertility can contribute to 30% of infertility cases - stepping up sooner can rule in or rule out a tangible part of the journey and reduce further delay.

Equally important is sharing the mental load:

• Asking what appointments are coming up

• Learning the basics of the IVF process

• Helping track timelines and medications

• Being emotionally present without needing to fix or minimize

• If her libido is low, it's for good reason.

Support here is not passive. It’s active participation in a process that one partner cannot opt out of.

I implore you, at the very least, do the dang semen analysis, meds, supplements, or whatever else is needed during the fertility journey without needing to be coaxed.

Pregnancy: One Body Carrying the Work

The Female Experience

Pregnancy further limits choice. Symptoms, appointments, physical discomfort, and lifestyle changes are not things that can be delegated or postponed.

Even in healthy pregnancies, the female partner is continuously adapting — managing energy, sleep, nutrition, movement, and risk assessment. Much of this mental work runs quietly in the background, every day.

The Male Role: Reducing Load Where Possible

Pregnancy is often where male partners can make the biggest difference with the least physical cost.

This includes:

• Taking on more household and planning responsibilities

• Attending appointments when possible

• Learning about pregnancy and postpartum needs

• Treating symptoms as real, even when they are “normal”

  
  

Stepping in here doesn’t take choice away from anyone — it restores balance where imbalance is unavoidable.

Postpartum: Recovery Without Opting Out

The Female Experience

After birth, the female body enters a recovery phase that cannot be rushed or skipped. Healing, hormonal shifts, sleep deprivation, and feeding demands often overlap in intense ways.

Sometimes this needs to take place while parenting other children on top of caring for a newborn.

There is rarely a true break from responsibility during this period, even when support exists.

The Male Role: Protection and Anticipation

Postpartum is a time when male partners can offer enormous relief by anticipating needs rather than waiting to be asked.

This can look like:

• Managing visitors and external expectations

• Taking the lead on meals, household tasks, and logistics

• Supporting nighttime care in practical ways

• Watching for signs of emotional or physical overwhelm

• Taking lead on the other kids you might have - appointments, school, meals, dressing them, bath time, bed time

  
  

If you're unsure where to start, ask for how this is done top to bottom and do your best. Or figure it out. This kind of support acknowledges a simple truth: recovery is happening at the same time as caregiving.

The Takeaway: Stepping Up Where Choice Exists

In fertility, pregnancy, and postpartum:

• One partner carries most of the physical burden

• The other often carries more choice

When that choice is used intentionally, to engage, to learn, to take responsibility, and to share the mental load, the entire family benefits.

Stepping up does not mean taking over. It means recognizing where contribution is possible and choosing to act.

Support is most powerful when it is proactive, informed, and grounded in understanding, especially when one partner doesn’t have the option to step back.

If this journey feels heavier than expected, it may not be because someone isn’t trying hard enough. Often, it’s because responsibilities haven’t been clearly named.

Clarity creates connection. And connection makes this path more sustainable for everyone.